Reflecting on You

Build stronger, happier relationships—by taking a closer look at the part you play.

After years of counseling couples in transition, Denise Mosher knew a bad relationship when she saw one. And while her own 18-year marriage was not one of them, she still had the nagging feeling that it could be better. Increasingly, she was bugged by the little things: the fanny pack her husband left on the counter, the feet he didn’t wipe on the way into the house.

Then Mosher read about Naikan (pronounced NYE-kon), a little-known practice of self-reflection rooted in Zen Buddhism and developed in Japan in the 1940s. It looked like something that could help her decode her feelings and figure out what to do about them quickly, easily, and effectively. So the 40-year-old minister in Monmouth, Oregon, decided to give it a try.

Using Naikan, Mosher asked herself three questions about her relationship: What did I receive from this person? What did I give this person? And what troubles did I cause this person? Each day she repeated the exercise, and recorded her answers in a journal.

Naikan’s power lies in the details—the good, the bad, and the ugly truths that make up the mosaic of any relationship. But your focus is on the role you play, your actions and choices, and on what you received from the other person. What you uncover can be surprising. “People are often in denial about their ability to cause trouble in the world,” says New York psychologist Wylie Goodman, PhD, a traditional therapist who uses Naikan in her practice.

Couples who practice Naikan regularly don’t usually have to wait long to experience the positive results, Goodman says. “They quickly start acting differently toward each other,” she explains.

Mosher agrees. Once she started asking the three questions, she was able to stop letting her husband’s minor transgressions get to her. Instead, she began noticing all the things he does for her, like fixing her office computers after a busy day at work. And she started fessing up to her own annoying habits, like her chronic tardiness. “I’ve kept him waiting constantly, for over 20 years—every party, every appointment,” she admits.

On their own, these little details are, well, little. But Mosher says looking at them through Naikan’s lens has had a profound effect. Does she still want her husband to wipe his feet before stepping over the threshold? Sure. But reflecting on the three questions helps her keep those feelings in perspective. “They train the emotional muscles to move from complaining to gratitude,” Mosher says. “I’m aware of how lucky I am to have my husband in my life. Now, when we have a tough conversation, instead of complaining or nagging, I’m less shrill. I no longer feel like a shrew. Naikan is one of the most powerful, easily accessible things you can do for a relationship.”

For more information about Naikan, contact The Todo Institute, 802-453-4440, or todoinstitute.org.

To try Naikan for yourself, see page 134 of Health's May 2006 issue (on newsstands now).